


EXO crack one-shot collections

by Hajinnie



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Crack, Inappropriate Humor, Multi, Nonsense, Please Don't Kill Me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-11 13:44:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11715585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hajinnie/pseuds/Hajinnie
Summary: Title describes it. Everything is possible. Who cares.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE.DONT.KILL.ME  
> I couldn't sleep and this came to mind.

It has been years since the promotions for Wolf had ended. The 12 members of EXO have since moved on from what they thought was their cringiest phase. Kris, Tao and Luhan had distanced themselves further from the memory by leaving the group and possibly never have to perform it ever again. We can all dream of a OT12 reunion. It doesn’t cost a penny to dream.

Even wolfau fan fiction brought double meanings to all EXO-Ls. They weren’t sure themselves if they were going to read hot male on male action, or watch EXO relive the Wolf phase. The song was kind of catchy though you have to admit.

The members of EXO who were made to go through such a cringe fest by Lord Emperor Lee Soo Man all had managed to move on several years later. They still had to perform it occasionally but everyone could agree Growl was the better song to forget about it. Monster was kind of good too but that was on another album. Can’t compare.

But only Park Chanyeol never moved on. Chanyeol was triggered every time he heard the wolf howling sound. Especially the one of Kai in a bandana and dreadlocks around the 1:11 mark in the music video. It was a massive trigger for Chanyeol. All the other members were aware of this and did their best to accommodate him.

Anything that resembled a wolf or any images of it was not allowed to be in display in the EXO dorm. The members also made sure to cover Chanyeol’s eyes and ears during those *ahem* scenes; basically whenever a wolf appeared on screen if they were watching a movie together. The members were just being bros. Bros over wolves.

It wouldn’t be so bad however if it weren’t for the type of reaction Chanyeol went through when he heard the wolf howling sound. Chanyeol would just drop whatever he was doing to get up and break into dance singing the words “Chogiwa danbeono neukyeo”. Chanyeol would not stop dancing and rapping/singing until the song was over. It was good when they had to perform Wolf. The wolf howling sound would serve as a cue to start performing, but it was bad otherwise.

After the whole choreography was over, Chanyeol would lie on the floor shaking and in a fetal position and began mumbling “Chogiwa” over and over until he fell asleep.

It happened several times. Once, in their dorm, when Baekhyun was watching a National Geographic documentary about wild animals when the segment suddenly cut to feature wolves with the howling sound loudly played in the background. Chanyeol in the next room broke into dance immediately. Baekhyun was really watching National Geographic for the animal mating part. Baekhyun was later made to stand in the hallway like an elementary student punished for tardiness for his mistake. Baekhyun had chopsticks anyway to help him break in the dormitory. No lock could keep Byun Baekhyun out.

Second time it happened; Chanyeol and the entire group were out at a restaurant after recording a performance for a music show. The middle aged lady who ran the restaurant was a fan and thought it would be a good idea to play “Wolf” over the PA system. Chanyeol broke out into dance and started dancing all over the table, breaking all the glasses and plates. The members and their manager frantically tried to stop Chanyeol. Chanyeol accidentally stepped on Sehun’s balls during the ensuing chaos, when Sehun climbed onto the table to hold him down. Sehun cried. EXO had their order to take away instead. The food was good. Sehun’s balls not so good.

 

Once the wolf hype had died down and everyone was more focused on the Overdose era, Park Chanyeol found himself a girlfriend. She was a pretty fellow idol singer from which group you don’t know of because Dispatch had not cared to follow him around yet. Chanyeol long awaited the moment and had gone back to her apartment. Chanyeol was going to lose his virginity finally. It was not like he was the last remaining virgin in EXO, but he had been meaning to get rid of it.

Chanyeol’s new date thought it would be sexy to turn on a song while they got frisky. Chanyeol had just gotten down to taking off his leopard print boxers when “Wolf” started playing. Chanyeol did not lose his virginity that night.

 

Sometime in 2017, Chanyeol was lying down on the couch with a bag of Lay’s chips in his hand and the actual person named Lay sitting beside him.

“If you ever do sue SM one day, throw in something for me about the emotional damage I had to go through Wolf.” Chanyeol mentioned to Lay.

Lay smiled and nodded. He didn’t understand what Chanyeol was trying to say. He had misunderstood his Korean again. Just smile and wave, Lay. Smile and wave.


	2. Sehun~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> excuse my mistakes. I'm always half asleep when I write crack.

Oh Sehun doesn’t get many lines, there’s a reason for that. Although he is painfully unaware of it, everyone else is aware of the line “Shawty Imma party till the sundown.” It’s the reason Sehun barely gets lines and when he does, such is the consequence. A meme is born. So bad it’s good. Sehun is a miracle he can turn trash into lit trash. Sehun’s sexiness must play a part. He’s a bias wrecker indeed.

Sure, Sehun may have coined the popular term from “Love Me Right”, but does Sehun really like partying till the sundown? You’ll find out below.

The infamous “Shawty Imma party till the sundown” poses lots of questions to the listener. Shawty who? Who is this shawty Sehun was addressing? Is it a girl? Is it a possible fellow member of EXO? Which member? Bacon? Satansoo? Suhoe? Maybe even Luhan? RIP Hunhan. It was a good ship while it lasted. SM has some pretty dank cannons though to sink the ship, and took down the lawsuit faster than all of Sehun’s lines combined.

We may never discover the identity of Shawty.

More importantly, the “sundown” intrigues the listener even more. If one were to party until sundown, one would begin partying during the day all the way until nighttime which will be when sundown occurs, because sun goes down the horizon. So, sundown. Get it?

Who parties during the day though? Oh Sehun does and boasts it off to this so called “shawty”.

There’s another point of view which you can perceive the “sundown” as. Sehun could mean he was partying from night time like a normal person and spent so much time partying, it was carried over during daytime until sundown the next though.

However, in that case, it would still include daytime partying and who does that seriously? Sehun may be tall and lanky but he’s the maknae and a sexy man child for the most part.

 

Now how does Sehun party exactly? In his pajamas with his dog exactly. Sehun is a pretty tame person. His ideal idea of a party would be eating junk food stolen from probably one of the members. D.O often hid his snacks on the top shelf so no one would find it. Living with EXO wasn’t really different than a college frat house. D.O is pretty short though. D.O’s idea of a “top shelf” was really something at Sehun’s eye level. D.O always had the best snacks anyway.

After Sehun had managed to snitch D.O’s snacks and not trip over Chanyeol crying on the floor muttering “Chogiwa danbeono neukyeo”, Sehun comfortable sat down in his pajamas on the couch to watch something and fall asleep shortly after. This was really his idea of a party.

“Yeah, I’mma party till the sundown” Sehun thought to himself, and turned on an A+ quality Emmy award material net series to watch. It was none other than “EXO Next Door”. Good stuff. You can forget how it’s just one big LINE advertisement. Whatsapp and Messenger are more popular I bet.

Sehun mostly fast forward scenes that did not include him and slowed down the scenes where he was featured. If Sehun were to do the same for his lines in EXO songs, it wouldn’t be very long. Someone has got to mention “E-X-O” though. That was mostly Sehun’s job. Like his only job though.

 

Xiumin walked into the living room to find Sehun on the couch admiring his own face on the TV screen.

“Those are Kyungsoo’s snacks you’re eating.” Xiumin exclaimed.

“So what?” Sehun laughed.

Xiumin corrected himself, “Those are _Satan’s_ snacks you’re eating.”

“Oh shit. You’re right.” Sehun muttered as he opened another bag of D.O’s potato chips. Not like the Lay’s kind though. Lay is in China, okay.

 

Xiumin had to point out the important fact. “Sehun, its noon right now. Why are you in your pajamas about to sleep at noon?” (A/N: Fuck you autocorrect. Don’t keep trying to correct Xiumin as Xiamen. Stop trying to objectify a person as a city. Have some decency.”)

Sehun looked at Xiumin dead in the eye, “Shawty, I’mma party till the sundown.”

Shawty is Xiumin. This is why Oh Sehun doesn’t get many lines. #morelinesforohsehun

Somewhere in the background, Baekhyun is going “Ow!” Legendary.


	3. Who cares about chapter titles cause I messed up this chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk what happened halfway.

 

Suho is like really rich y’all. The taller members often make fun of Suho’s height so he just stacks his dollar bills under his feet to match their height. Suho pays SM to give him more lines just like you can see in the latest “Ko ko bop” song, ma boi Suho got all those lines. You can’t ignore talent though. Stan talent. Stan EXO.

Suho wipes his tears with dollar bills and stacks some of it in his shoes as his insoles. The boy is literally walking on money. As we all know, the EXO members bribe Chanyeol with money to rate their looks on a variety show. Suho didn’t come out at the top of the ratings because he didn’t bring cash and Chanyeol doesn’t accept card. Sorry cash term only.

Also, RIP Krisho 2012-2014. Gone and missed but not forgotten in the realm of fan fictions. The ship still sails. SuLay ain’t that bad though. That’s a ship to jump on if you’re still mourning KrisHo.

Apart from being insanely loaded, Suho is also known as the mommy of EXO. Even after Kris’ departure and the loss of his two Chinese sons due to a fierce custody battle with SM, Suho has preserved and struggled as a single mother of eight rascals. If Suho wasn’t rich, someone would have started a GoFundMe for his poor soul.

There will always be one thing that plagues Suho stans. His name. Like is it Junmyeon or Joonmyun. Another site does list it as Junmyun too. -_- It does sound mutually intelligible and there’s over a million results for “Junmyeon”. AO3 does insist it’s Joonmyun though. That’s alright because even if EXO momma decides his new stage name will be not!Suho, we’ll all still love him the same.

 

One evening while EXO is on a break from releasing yet another million copies selling album, because success does tires you sometimes, Kai decides he needed an extra pillow to feel comfy to sleep. Being the second youngest member is the toughest position in a group. Maknaes are known to be evil so they are untouchable, leaving the entire grunt in the direction of the next youngest member. As such, the elder members have been taking pillows from the others so they can sleep comfortably.

There had been a pillow shortage in the EXO dormitory or should I say EXO’dorm because that’s how SM likes to name their stuff anyway. I didn’t decide it.

Therefore, Kai decided to take a pillow from Suho’s room. Suho shares a room with Sehun. Like whose idea was it to put the oldest and younger member in the same room? Pretty cool though. Sehun was asleep and Suho had decided to spend the night with his family instead in his ~~castle~~ home.

Kai quickly snatched Suho’s pillow from the bed opposite Sehun, faster than EXO can snatch your wigs with their bops. At least Kai wasn’t snatching Chanyeol’s actual wig because we all know the man is balding. Someone tell Chanyeol to relax on the hair dye.

Kai quickly moved back to his room which he shared with D.O unfortunately. Fortunate for the Kaisoo shippers but unfortunate for Kai himself due to D.O being OCD with the tidiness of the room. Kai had to make sure everything was properly arranged in the room or else Satan would be rise from the lowest layer of hell to exact his wrath. Maybe D.O should consider a new stage name like D.O.C.D.

Plopping on the mattress without trying to wake Kyungsoo up, Kai went to sleep with his new snatched pillow from Suho-hyung. He’ll just return it before Suho comes back the next day. But, one thing was off. The pillow was rather what you’d say- uncomfortable. It barely supported his head or any part of Kai’s sekushi body he put onto the pillow. The pillow itself felt pretty odd.

Kai’s curiosity got the best of him as he sat up on the bed and decided to unzip the pillow open. Kai wasn’t expecting it- like how much lines he actually got in Call Me ~~Daddy~~ Baby (lol). SM has to relax on giving Kai dreadlocks too. I really don’t know how I feel about the dreadlocks.

The pillow Kai unzipped had burst with dollar bills flying everywhere around the room. It was like a scene from a rap music video where the rapper throws his bills everywhere, except they were nowhere near a rap music video set.

D.O has extraordinary senses because he’s Satan and woke up from bed the moment the first bill landed on the ground. Kai knew what he had to do. He had to say the magic words that would put D.O back to sleep.

“D.O is the best main vocalist of EXO-K even better than Baekhyun”.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> life is too short for me to proofread


End file.
